Category: Things I Eat With a Spoon

Some things in life are too good to enjoy as intended. There are a few delicious items that make me forego a knife, fork, or suggested "serving size." Who makes up these serving sizes anyway? THREE AND A HALF servings for basically anything you buy in an airport store? Who do they think I am? A freaking hobbit? Surely that 3 is there by mistake... it only felt like there was .5 servings of goodness in that bag of gummies.

I digress.

Before I even get into the food that makes me go weak in the knees, let me reveal a little quirk of mine. I HATE big spoons. HATE them. They are just unnatural. They feel weird in my mouth and hold too much. I just don't need that many cheerios at one time. I don't want that much soup in one bite. During my freshman year in college, I would stand in the cafeteria and pull spoon after spoon until I found a teaspoon. Even now, I would rather hand wash a teaspoon (and I don't hand wash anything) rather than use a big stupid clown spoon. Unless of course, it is while I consume the following items.

Get ready peanut butter.... here I come!

• Peanut butter. I am seriously considering naming my first child George Washington Carver (regardless of the gender) to pay my respects to the man that invented the heavenly bliss that is peanut butter. Often times, I intend to eat it with an apple, but then find myself two bites into the apple when I just turn all of my attention to the peanut butter. One of my favorite tricks when I am a few drinks in is to roll a big spoon full of peanut butter in a bag of chocolate chips. This is a move that I am always impressed with at the time, but then question later when I go to make a recipe that requires a whole bag of chocolate chips (without dried peanut butter flecks in them). 

Screw you apple! I lurve peanut butter!!!

• Caesar salad dressing. Thank god for the Romans for inventing this concoction. Wait, it wasn't invented by the Romans? Then why do they call it Caesar? That's plain wrong. Nonetheless, there has to be some sort of voodoo mixed into its creamy deliciousness. It's probably unicorn horns. The grocery store near me sells their Caesar salad dressing in bulk- it is there right next to the "Betta Chedda" dip (which my dad loves, but I don't really like... so I am not sure how it is Betta than anything). I sometimes find that salad needlessly limits the amount of dressing I can consume, so here I will opt for a big spoon to get the job done.
• Chocolate syrup. If I am only given one option of the type of chocolate syrup- I will take it, regardless of the brand. But if given an option, I will always opt for Magic Shell. That shit is heart stopping, spine tingling, speech halting, universe shaking good. They really nailed it when they decided to name it Magic Shell. Actually, they probably should have just dropped the "Shell" part. Another one of my favorite tricks involving spoons and food is to fill a big spoon up with some Magic Shell and stick it in the freezer. Most of the time I get too impatient for it to freeze completely, but I am never disappointed with the results. If I have the urge to eat it as designed (over ice cream), I go with the ratio of three parts Magic Shell to one part ice cream. 
• Soft cheese. Crackers should be ashamed of themselves for insinuating that they are the perfect accompaniment for cheese. As I mentioned in my blog, I do have a soft spot (no pun intended- get it- cause eating a lot of cheese can give you quite a few soft spots AND soft cheese is the only cheese you can eat with a spoon) for goat cheese (especially with some balsamic vinaigrette.... mmmmm mmmm). When I am at a function with other people, and have to behave like I am a part of society, I will dip a stupid cracker into the cheese. But at home, if the urge strikes, I'll go at that cheese with a big shiny spoon.

A typical day in the life of...

Yours truly. This little gem is from last summer- I wrote it to my friend after I had an amazing trip to the grocery store.

You wanted an email so here goes. So- after I dawdled at work for a long time because I had nowhere to go and no one to go there with, I decided I would treat my self to a bottle of wine. So I went to Robert's and while I was there, I decided to buy some food, as well. Because we have very little food in the house and apparently last week, when Dan pulled some pop corn out of the box, it came out with a roach. And we all know- I don't do roaches. So until Dan is back in town- I am not consuming anything out of the pantry- unless Sophie is right there to attack if a god forsaken creature should show up. P.S. I just typed anything out of the "panty" and not pantry- and it took me a while to realize what was wrong with that sentence.

So anyways- I am purusing Robert's, trying to decide what I will consume tonight when I decided I wanted something to go with ketchup. Naturally, I grabbed a bag of regular zapps (naturally)- and I would like to point out that I made the decision to grab the little bag (that feeds four to six) instead of the big bag (that feeds an entire village)- so I should get some credit. I was also next to the crackers, so I grabbed some so if I decided to eat some cheese, I wouldn't have to eat goat cheese with a spoon (and honestly this is just me trying to maintain the idea that I am a self sufficient, somewhat respectable adult. I really think there is nothing wrong with goat cheese on a spoon, but I am really trying at this whole adult thing).

I was headed to the wine when I began recounting what I had eaten today: part of a blueberry muffin, some of a mocha granita, some mash potatoes, and a Popeye's biscuit (or 1.5 biscuits, or 1.7--- probably actually just two whole biscuits). So let me go over that again: carb, carb, carb, fat, saturated fat, fat, carb, fat, carb, carb, saturated fat, polymonotrioctoquadro saturated fat, carb. At this point I decided I should probably get some vegetables- just to give myself a healthy option. And in case you didn't know- I have an unending love for canned asparagus. That stuff is so good it will make you want to slap your momma (that is when I don't already want to slap her- which isn't often. Hi Mom). Sometimes Everytime I eat it in front of people, they bitch about the smell and how disgusting it is, but I think they are just jealous that I love canned asparagus more than I love them. It is especially good with French dressing. Anyway, I wandered on over to the canned asparagus and grabbed myself a few cans and then selected a fine bottle of wine (yes! Rex Goliath is on sale for $7!) and then went to check out. Well- this is when my adventure really begun.

The girl checking me out was a young, heavy set, blond girl that kind of eye balled me when I walked up (not in a mean sort of eyeballing way, just in an eyeballing way). And she rung up my 5 items (chips, crackers, wine, and two cans of asparagus) and then looked at me and said "are you just getting off of work?" and I said "yep." And she said "getting some stuff for dinner?" And I said "actually, getting dinner, doesn't it look good?" At which point she looked through my bag, eyeballed each item (and in the bad kind of eyeballing way) and then looked at me and said "no- this is really unhealthy. The least you could have done is bought fresh asparagus." Whoa whoa whoa. Back it up here. We went from small talk to 'what the fuck' talk in about pernt five seconds. So then I told her I bought the canned asparagus because I wasn't so sure I was going to eat it tonight and didn't want it to go to waste. She then looked at me for quite a while- up and down- up and down- and goes "hmph, well at least your skinny." Which I got defensive about (like 'bitch, why you callin me skinny- you don't know me') and told her "yeah, well I work out" (because apparently I had to offer an explanation on why I could select my dinner items and maintain my girlish figure). So then she starts telling me about how she lost ten pounds and then gained it back and is trying to lose it again but her parents keep bringing her cake (.......what?).

While she was unfolding her life story to me, I put my wallet under my armpit (as I often do, because it is really f-ing big) and collected my belongings. At the point that I was all sitcheated (read situated, but in a fun way), I tried to grab my wallet and I realized the zipper was stuck on a loop on my sleeve immediately next to my armpit. I stood there and struggled with the wallet and tried to make small talk about this girl's cake problem until it came to the point where I had to interrupt her extremely interesting story and ask her to pull it off for me. I had to lean way across the bagging area and let her rummage around my pit for a while until she got it untangled. At which point, I looked at her and said "Well that was awkward- have a nice day" and booked it home to have my chips, ketchup, cheese, and wine.

Oh, Avocado... so close, yet so far

If I could rewrite bible stories to fit what I think really happened (let's pause for a moment and really take in what I just said.... I used the word "I" and "bible" in the same sentence.... like I really know anything about any bible stories), I would have the tree in the garden of Eden full of avocados. And the tree next to it would be a Reginelli's Caesar dressing tree or a Newman's Own Balsamic Vinaigrette tree. Because I could resist a delicious looking apple (unlike Stephanie Choy*), but I could never resist an avocado- especially if I had some amazing dressing to go with it.

With that being said, you can imagine my excitement when I saw that the Subway near my house got with the program and started to offer avocado as a sandwich accoutrement (probably not the correct use of the word- but honestly- it is one of those words that should be used as often as possible). Needless to say, when I ordered my six inch turkey on wheat- I was gonna get me some avocado with that. Alright future Leila- go back and warn past Subway Leila that ordering avocado will only add 15 minutes to her Subway adventure- but it is worth it anyway. (PS- If someone could help me find some sort of sound effect or image that I could use to insert "uhh uhhh- that's not going to happen" when I want to warn past Leila about something- it would be much appreciated).

So I am standing in the Subway line and the sandwich artists are busy at work. There is a couple ahead of me and two guys behind me and my friend, Mollie, there to witness it all. I order my turkey- no cheese please- I am being healthy and get to the veggies selection of the process. The guy in front of me asks for avocado on his foot long sandwich and apparently they only have enough for half of it (ie, three ice cream scoops full). The lady working at Subway told him she would be right back and brought the empty avocado container to the back. The next lady was ready to finish up my sandwich but I let her know that I also wanted avocado so she moved onto the next person in line- whose order I got to pay attention to since I had nothing else to do but wait for my avocado. This gentleman ordered a six inch tuna on white bread, with olives, and extra mayonnaise. You read that right.

The wait for the avocado continued so the ladies behind the counter decided they would start ringing people up to avoid a bottle neck. At this point- two things happened. An elderly couple walked in and the man took a seat at a table while his wife got in line and the couple in front of me was rung up (even though he was still waiting on his three more ice cream scoops of avocado). The couple was rung up and the woman begin to argue with the total and couldn't understand why it came out to $16. Once it was explained to her multiple times, and she was satisfied, she pulled out a $100 to pay. At a Subway. A hundred dollar bill. Instead of signs that say "We do not accept bills larger than $20" I think places should have signs that say "We can break $100"- because I think it is fair to say that pretty much NOWHERE can break "$100" and it would allow companies to save money on all of the signs they buy that say "No bills larger than $20." Because everyone knows that you should not go into a Subway, or any fast food place, or any gas station, or ANYWHERE and try to buy $16 worth of stuff with a hundred dollar bill. Needless to say- much confusion ensued behind the counter- as they had to get the manager and try to figure out if they had enough cash to break this stupid bill and still have change for other customers.

As this is going on, the elderly lady stepped out of line two times to ask her husband to clarify his sandwich order. Really? The man has probably had the same sandwich order since Eisenhower was in office. Those things don't change. No- he doesn't want to try banana peppers. No- he doesn't want it on some fancy bread. Just wheat. Come on now.

Well the fiasco at the register died down and the lady paid. Since there was still no avocado to be seen, the Subway lady decided she would start ringing up the men behind me. Fair enough. They shouldn't have to wait for avocado. One of them clearly did not like anything green- only gelatinous white for him. So they start to ring them up. They check out the guy that did not order the tuna fish sandwich at about the same time the avocado appears (insert heavenly glow and angels singing in background). During this transaction, my sandwich gets its avocado dollops and is wrapped up and sent down the line to be rung up. It is placed next to a similar looking six inch sandwich. The lady at the cash register asks her coworker which sandwich is mine and she can't remember. Honestly- I was pretty sure I knew- but I was not taking that chance. I had whole wheat, turkey, and avocado. He had tuna. And white bread. And mayonnaise. He quickly said "check- because I definitely don't want her sandwich." I appreciated his honesty. They unwrapped the sandwiches- figured out which was mine, and sent me on my way. Thank god for avocado and the wonderful cluster that ensued. If it were not for that, what would I have to blog about?




*PS- I have to give a shout out to my friend, Stephanie Choy. Steph was home one Fall to celebrate the glorious story of the pilgrims and the Indians, and do like all Americans do, and consume enough to last anyone a week. After the meal wrapped up, she was wandering through the kitchen when she saw "the most beautiful apple in the world."  Steph, who was not listening to her body at that point, decided that an apple has never hurt anything before. She consumed the ripe beauty and immediately regurgitated it. And her Thanksgiving meal. All of it. Gotta listen to your body and not fall for that Garden of Eden trick. Unless, of course, it is full of Avocado and Salad Dressing trees.

Opinions are like a-holes....

And everybody has them. Especially me. And lots of them. And today, on my 27th birthday, I figured my present to everyone can be more Leila. And I am sure you will all thank me tremendously later. And if you don't like what you read, then move on...

The past weekend I was in Memphis to celebrate my grandparent's 60th wedding anniversary (which is incredible if you think about it. There are few people I would want to make the 6 hour drive to Memphis with, much less talk to every day for 60 years). Anyway, while in Memphis, I discovered a new beverage of choice... gin and juice! Apparently, Snoop Dogg really knew WTF he was talking about. Except I always pictured his juice as the really red tongue staining kind, but the juice I decided to sip on was grapefruit. And mixed with gin- it was DELICIOUS.

So, last night, to get my birthday celebration started (as it usually last at least 3-4 days), I enjoyed my new libation of choice with a wonderful dinner: french fries fried in goose fat and a chocolate lava cake. This morning, to continue my celebration of another year in adultdom, I had Ben and Jerry's ice cream for breakfast and took a few swigs of Diet Coke straight from the the two liter bottle (sorry Dan!).

I think I decided... instead of being depressed about getting older, I should appreciate the opportunity that comes with it. For some, that means mortgages, or kids. For me, for right now, that means drankin and eatin whatever I damn please (and then of course working my ass of at the gym to get rid of the guilt... but its all worth it).

So: Here's to me. My friends. My family. My cat (even though she hates me). My school. My city. My state. And another wonderful year.