Now this is one of my favorite stories that I like to tell repeatedly to the same people (well only because I only have so many people in my life. And divide that number by at least two to determine how many of those people will listen to my stories again and again). I also assume that the people that were there to witness it also tell it every now and then. But they probably tell it at a party when people start telling stories about their weird ass friends. That's when my friends tell it....
When I was a freshman in college, a new website was invented called facebook. I am sure we have all seen the movie and know all about the Winkelvoss twins (who aren't that good looking in real life), but people my age were the exact market facebook was first introduced to. My sophomore year, facebook was opened to Tulane. And by junior year, most of the school checked it at least once a day. So- my friends and I were the first people to experience writing on each other's "wall," posting pictures of each other, and of course.... joining groups.
Well back when groups were just groups (and not free advertising for businesses or ways to communicate with specific crowds and whatnot), there were some pretty funny groups out there. In fact, my dear friend KTO created a group about the movie Wedding Crashers. It was instantly joined by hundreds of other Tulane kids. Ahmazing.
So during the first year of my addiction to facebook, I was living in an off campus apartment that was a lovely little three bedroom. And like most apartments in New Orleans, it was raised about three or four feet off the ground. Also like most other apartments in New Orleans, its neighborhood had its fair share of cats (feral, domestic, and whatnot). Well at some point that year, my apartment became the shelter that was kitty version of The Boot. And apparently any hour after dark was happy hour. Cats from all over the damn city started to meet and mingle under my happy little abode. They would hang out, have a few drinks, probably make out to some really horrible early 90s rap song (which is not a slow make out song and no one else is dancing slow to so they really just look dumb right there in the middle of the furiously dancing crowd but hey... whos judging), and then they would get down to business. Cat business. Right there. Under my apartment.
I assume you are saying "so what" right about now. That is- if you are even still reading. Because really- who wants to read about cat sex? WELLLLLL.......... everyone- or at least thats what I thought. When I started the group.
So- in case you have never heard two cats do it- it is absolutely horrible. It sounds like a ghost being tortured with poker sticks that someone is shoving through their ghost stomach and twisting. It is a horrible horrible noise. And you know in the cartoons, when a cat is sitting on a fence, and meowing or whatever, and someone throws a shoe or an opened sardine can or something at them. Yeah- well that cat was probably not singing in real life. The animator probably lived in New Orleans. In my neighborhood.
So anyway this cat match.com BS goes on for a while under my apartment. And I am up late one night- "studying" (surfing the net) when I hear it. And I get a flash of genius and decide to start my very first facebook group "No more kitty love under my house." I grin. I invite my two roommates. And I go to bed.
The next morning I get up and excitedly check my new group. One member. Moi. Well- that's OK. I am sure my roommates (BEST FRIENDS) were not on facebook last night. I go about my day. Check it again. Still one member. This goes on for a while (how long- I can't exactly remember, but the fact that it went on for at least 24 hours is not OK). I think it has finally hit me after a day and a half that this group is totally UNACCEPTABLE. This is not OK. This is not what the Winkelvoss twins and that rutheless bastard Mark Zuckerburg had in mind when they created facebook. They did not want to know about cat sex. Ever. Never. Ever. Ever. And while my roommates and I could discuss it in private, that haunting haunting eerie love making, we were not to display it proudly on the most visible place possible- facebook. Well there I am. In my room. By myself (just like the group). And the epiphony rushes into my brain like a whiff of cat nip. Y'all... I gotta get out of this group.
I immediately unjoin. Delete. Shudder.
I don't think I brought it up with my two BEST FRIENDS immediately. But I certainly had a realization that day. They wouldn't let me walk around with some broccoli in between my teeth. Or with some ambiguous stain on my pants. They would tell me. But the minute I tried to bring them to my level and shove that leafy green in their pearly whites. Nope. It was not happening. I was stuck to flail completely and totally alone. Well not totally alone. I am sure the cats would have been there for me.