So, for those of you who know me well- you probably already know this about me- I sweat like a dude. For those of you that didn't know that already- well there it is. Like a dude. Really. I think I can attribute my amazing sweating capabilities to my dad (who is a dude, so his sweating abilities really aren't as awkward as mine). I have only come across a few other girls that will be dripping like me after ONE song on the dance floor (the word glistening is only appropriate after I have walked from my bedroom to my kitchen).
I always make sure to check out the deodorant section anytime I find myself in the wonderful toiletries section in a store. While I have found a brand that I stick to- Ban- Sweet Surrender- I always like checking out the options. (Quick sidebar- after Katrina I decided to go to Boston U for the semester. I got up there with everything I owned- which fit into one suitcase and ran out of deodorant the first few weeks there. I looked everywhere for my deodorant and couldn't find any and called my mom and probably cried. A few days later, I had a care package with my deodorant in it- thanks mom! You know shit is bad when my mom is willing to ship deodorant across the country so I stop freaking the f out.) So any way- I always like checking out deodorant options. Last Fall, I was in Charlotte for work, and got my friend, Becky, to take me to a Target. Wait- let me correct myself- she took me to a Target that was actually stocked and organized. A rare find in New Orleans- an organized, stocked store. She got to witness, firsthand, Leila wonder aimlessly around the bathroom section while touching shiny things and smelling anything blue, pink, or purple. During this trip, while examining the deodorant section- I came across a new find- "Clinical Strength" deodorant. Excellent idea for those chicks that sweat like dudes. Well- I immediately started pulling open the boxes of each scent and checking them out. When it was all said and done, I settled on "Marathon Fresh."
I got a good laugh over the fact that a deodorant was called Marathon Fresh. I have only run one half marathon- and the word most likely NOT used to describe me after I was done was 'fresh.' What the hell is marathon fresh anyway? Do you think these people look fresh? Did they hang out around races and really try to nail down the scent of finishers and voila- came out with marathon fresh? Because if they did, I think that they were off a little bit. But just a little bit.
|"Hey Bob- don't you feel fantastic?" "Yeah Joe, I feel marathon fresh!"|
|"Fresh as I kenyan be!"|
|"I am going to trip your marathon fresh ass if you keep running in my space. QUIT DRAFTING!"|
This mislabeled scent inspired me to investigate a little further. I started looking at all of the scents available and was shocked at the plethora of idiotic names assigned to scents for armpits. I decided to put together a list of some of the best ones for your pleasure.
- Spring Breeze- Well this scent could really be anything. If it is a spring breeze off of a garbage can full of crawfish in Audubon Park- that is a nasty smelling deodorant. I actually don't know if I have ever experienced a "spring breeze" that makes me sniff the wind like a dog and wish that I could bottle it and wear it.
- Paradise Winds- Again- what does this smell like? I mean- I enjoy smells of the beach- like salt water or sunscreen- because they mean I am at the beach. But- if you are at the wrong end of a gust that just made its way over some dead beached fish- GROSS.
- Island Falls- I guess they are referring to the Island Falls without leeches. The ones that smell fabulous and have Tahitian models in them all day everyday. The models that don't get the prunies (prunies are the best, by the way. They still amaze me).
- Clearly Tropical- Oh, ok- this makes a whole lot of sense. CLEARLY Tropical. Like you will walk around emanating coconut scent and calypso music, which are things that are CLEARLY associated with a Tropical climate. They should work on "Clearly Temperate" and "Clearly Polar" as well..
- Nature Fresh- Give me a break here. I would be willing to say that there are probably about as many things in nature that smell bad as there are good, and 50/50 is being very generous.
- Fresh Oxygen- I mean, really? Fresh Oxygen? As opposed to that shit most of us breath on a regular basis? I think a more realistic scent would be "Smog" or "Busy City Ozone."
- Refreshingly Floral- Ahhh, yes. But why with the 'refreshingly?' It can't just be a 'Floral' scent? That wouldn't be fancy enough?
- Ooh-la-la Lavendar- Well- if there is one thing I want my deodorant to say about me--- It IS OOH LA LA. I want random strangers sticking their noses in my pits. The alliteration must equal higher sales.
- Rockstar Rose- I have no words for this. Wait, actually I do. Why would ANYONE want to smell like a rockstar? Even a pretty rockstar? You really think Beyonce smells sweet after shaking her ass on stage for two hours? Really?
- Just Dance- I already mentioned me and the dancing. And you don't want to smell like it.
- Love- Love? Love has a smell now? I mean- I guess it does, just like most other emotions. For example- the other day, as I was walking to work- I got a big whiff of "anxious" from this girl next to me. And then- when I was at the gym- the person on the treadmill next to me definitely smelled "indifferent."
- Classic Romance- I guess this is like love, but a little muskier. Like it's been up in an attic for a while. Picking up that classic status.
- Sexy Intrigue- Is this the same as a "Hooker Shower?" When you just blast yourself with whatever smells half decent (including but not limited to: perfume, body spray, air freshener, etc) instead of actually bathing?
- Delicious Bliss- Unless this smells like a big ass piece of chocolate cake, it doesn't smell like delicious bliss (but maybe that's just me).
- Rebalanced- My guess is that they probably fill this one with hormones. Like "Here- you crazy bitch. You refuse to take meds, but we will slip it to you through your pits and you won't even know." Therefore this scent is just directly associated with what the product actually does.
- Revive- This has a cocaine and coffee smell to it. A nice little 'pick me up' to get you and your bowels running.
- Vanilla Twist- Why the twist? Is it doing a dance move? Is it looking over its shoulder?
- Cherry Mischief- This is the exact image I think of and I am not sure that I want it on my arm pit.
|Oh that angry cherry is getting into some mischief again|
- Mystic Melon- So- is this like the scent you smell when you go to a fortune teller that is Cantaloupe or when you visit with a Watermelon that has ESP?
- Truth or Pear- REALLY!? REALLY!? Because "Pear" just wasn't good enough?
- Red Satin- Because, you know, red satin smells completely different from green satin or blue satin. It just has that "mmmmmm this is definitely red satin" smell about it.