Thursday, May 26, 2011

Where it all started.

The inspiration for my blog came from a series of emails I sent out last summer (much like the Leimail of my night in hell the Atlanta airport). The following are a series of rapid fire emails I sent to a friend after deciding that I desperately needed some wine (you know that feeling, right?). Please enjoy. Or don't. If you don't enjoy, please contact a medical professional immediately because it means that you are lacking the part of your brain that can process humor.

9:01 P.M.
I just got back from cake class, and I am covered in icing, and just googled "how to open a bottle of wine without a corkscrew" and then checked my email for the fun of it (before opening the wine) to find SIX messages (back to back) from --------- (insert name here of anyone you know that you don't want 6 back to back emails from... actually that would probably be anyone. If they can't say it in ONE email, then you don't really need to hear it). I really need to find my corkscrew.

9:15 P.M.
Things I found while looking for my cork screw:
A rolling pin
A pastry brush (who knew)?
A lemon squeezer???
A garlic press
A garlic chopper
A carrot peeler
Salad tossers (maybe after all this wine, I will be tempted)
Shish-kabob skewers (good thing I own those for all the times I make my famous kabob)
Two ice cream scoops
Bamboo skewers (maybe I should just go ahead and skewer something)
Lessons I learned:
Swiss army knives DO NOT have cork screws on them (what is the point of that?)
Banging a bottle of wine on a flat surface does not actually push the cork up but, instead, builds pressure in the bottle
Jamming a screw driver through the cork of so-banged-on bottle seems like a good idea at the time
Cork breaks up easily
Wine in a banged-on bottle builds up pressure
A screwdriver used to puncture a cork on a pressurized bottle only results in a volcano of pinot noir
Pinot Noir can burn your eyes
Cork floats (not a new lesson, but a reminder)
Tiny bits of cork, while floating, are impossible to remove from wine
Lessons I may learn tomorrow:
What cork does to one's digestive system

9:17 P.M.
OK, since I am on a roll here.
Why don't they rename the email folder from "outbox" to "outhouse?" That would be much funnier
Also, the guy at the walgreens found my purchase of $30 worth of candy (Earl's finest) and two cans of spaghettios hilarious. You know what I found hilarious? His grossly ornate ring that may as well have been taken from Schmiegal, himself. Also, who the fuck asked him if my purchases were funny? I sure as hell didnt.
Tonight in cake decorating, we made 'puppies' (two cupcakes turned upside down and covered in pounds of icing). And one of the women in the class begged the instructor for hers because, apparently, it is one of her coworkers birthdays tomorrow. Once she recieved the extra puppy, she then begin to giggle histerically, and informed us that "she's gunna think I made it.....hehehehehhe..... she's on a all cabbage diet....... hehehehe..... She's gunna ruin her diet......hehehehe" I think her coworker should punch her, eat the cake, and then plan on spending the rest of the day in the bathroom.

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