Crap My Mom Says

Disclaimers: 
1. I am not trying to rip off the amazing blog posts that turned into an amazing book and a mediocre television show. I just have a mom that gives me some great material.
 2. I love my mom. She is smart as shit and has always been supportive. She is just a shoot from the hip, tell it like it is kind of girl. It's where I get it from. But I am more refined. Kind of.



Me: Momma, I just don't know what to do about the weight gain. It is so frustrating. I can't do anything to lose it.
Mom: Well how much do you weigh?
Me: 1**
Mom: God- that is how much I weighed when I was six months pregnant with you.


Mom: *Farts* (in front of my BFF Katie O)
Me: Momma- I know you have known Katie O for a long time, but you can't just go farting in front of her like it is no big deal.
Mom: What!? I was trying to burp anyway.
Ten minutes pass...
Mom: *Burps*
Katie O: What-- were you trying to fart that time?

At a crowded place with good family friend, Wendy L.
Mom: *Says something loudly that is incredibly inappropriate about someone sitting nearby*
Wendy L: Jesus Christ, Cathy! Just because you are deaf doesn't mean everyone else is.
Mom: *Shrugs*

During my freshman year, a hurricane was in the gulf and school closed for a few days. I came home with a car load of dorm mates as refugees. It was the second week of school and I didn't know these people that well. One of the girls went upstairs to take a bath (a luxury you cannot get in a dorm- especially not in something like my parent's amazingly large porcelain beauty).
Girl comes downstairs after her bath.
Mom: Uhhhh-huhhhhhhh. I bet your vagina just feels great now! Especially after nothing but showers. I hate showers.

During another trip home freshman year, I was trying to find clothes to bring back with me. I had gained my freshman fifteen and my rummage through high school clothes was not going very well. After squeezing on a blue jean skirt- I stepped out of my closet to show my mom.
Mom: Ha! You look like a stuffed sausage!

After many shopping trips. I proudly show my mom my new purchase.
Me: I love it! I am so excited to wear it. Do you like it?
Mom: No. *Goes back to reading/computer/watching TV*




After letting her know that I had just blogged about her.....
Me: Mom, what did you think about that blog post I wrote about you?
Mom: I don't remember saying a lot of that, but it is really funny that I did.