Tuesday, April 3, 2012

Guest Blog: No good deed goes unpunished...

Or let's hope it doesn't for this poor shmo's sake.

This is a guest blog presented by the talented Melissa. She got to experience an awkward life experience the other day and I invited her to blog about it. Enjoy!

The day was off to a great start. My first class was canceled, the sun was shining, and I was way ahead of schedule. So, on the way to work I thought I would stop at PJ's Coffee, since I was in the mood for a nice, iced caramel latte to complement this seemingly perfect. day.

Once inside I was pleased to find that there was only one person in line! What a rare sight! I quickly took my place behind a man in a purple baseball cap, who appeared to be in his mid thirties. I did my usual thing where I let myself pretend I'm going to purchase a second breakfast in the form of a chocolate croissant only to remind myself that I am trying to eat healthier when I hear someone talking to me. I whip my mop of wet hair around only to find baseball cap man talking to me.

"So," he says with a really big-ass grin on his face, "are you gonna buy me my coffee today?"
"Uh, no..." I say with a nervous laugh. I wish the man would have let me continue my chocolate pastry musings. Damn him. "Not unless you need me to..." I say nervously to fill the stifling silence.
"Oooooh dang!" He replies with that same big-ass grin on his face. "How about I get you yours then?"

Ok, stop. I HATE when dudes pull this shit. Granted, I tend to be oblivious to it most of the time, but still. You date the same person for three years and it becomes pretty easy to pretend you're asexual and undesirable. I don't know how to react to this stuff anymore, ya know? Plus, this dopey, purple-hat wearing man was not my type. Sorry, bro. Also, I have a boyfriend. But I'm not perfect and I would have kept flirting if this dude wasn't so...cheesy.

"Don't do that!" I protest, "There's no need!"
"Nonsense," says Purple Hat Man, "I got this one. Tell the man what you want."

Now, I am so upset that this man is buying my coffee that I try to cheapen my usual order because I feel bad that ice and flavor syrups cost an extra 60 cents. What if this puppy-eyed fool is spending his last precious pennies on my coffee? The thought scares me, so I reply that I would like a skim latte. Ew. I hate hot, unflavored lattes. But guilt consumes me and I realize there is no way I am getting out of here with what I really wanted -- an iced caramel latte and a quiet morning in my own thoughts.

So I promise the man I'll "pay it forward" and buy someone a coffee sometime soon. (No I won't. This man creeped the shit out of me and I am not stooping to weird person in a van with tented windows status- even if it means performing a good deed. Sorry.).

He proceeds to hand the barista a credit card. The barista swipes it. "Oops! Didn't go through!" he says with a smile and proceeds to swipe the card again...and again...and again....

"Oh shit, that ones not working!?" Purple Hat Man asks. "OK fine, try this one!" He hands the man another card. Declined. Again.

This happens with one more card before Purple Hat Man starts to sweat and even gets a little bossy, "PUT A RECEIPT ON IT!! SWIPE IT WITH A RECEIPT ON IT! THE MAGNETIC STRIP IS JUST MESSED UP MAN!" he tells the Barista. The line behind me is now 5 people long. They are all staring. Perhaps its my neon orange shorts that have them so captivated. But, based on their faces, it was definitely due to the scene that Purple Hat Man has caused between trying his hand at chivalry and subsequently experiencing the embarrassing effects of bankruptcy.

Finally, I interject. "How about I pay for it so we can just get out of here." I say. I can't remember my tone here, but I imagine myself sounding a lot like Daria from that old MTV show -- flat and unimpressed.

The barista looks at me, looks back at Purple Hat Man who is now chuckling nervously and fumbling with more of his credit cards, and then looks back at me. I make eyes at the barista that say, "HELP ME, YOU BASTARD. HELP ME." He sees my eyes and says, "Ya know what. They're both on me. Y'alls drinks are free. Enjoy your day."

My nasty hot latte could only be salvaged by Splenda, but I do not dare take time to add a packet since that would mean spending another second with broke-ass Purple Hat Man. I tell him thank you under my breath and jet out the door.

Once the humiliation wears off, I start to laugh to myself. That was great! I call my Mom. She is amused. I decide to make the story my Facebook status. It gets 21 likes and I am feeling pretty damn good. What a LOSER, I think to myself. Either that broke dude tried to scam me for a free coffee or he really is just a sad, broke man hitting on a tiny, tan girl in orange shorts who doesn't give a shit. The man couldn't win.

Later in the day I check my Facebook. Under my little story of the day's event, my friend posts a comment:

"...credit card machines have been down on campus all day today."

Shit. That man REALLY couldn't win. Oh well.

1 comment:

  1. I love that your only words of self-description are "tiny" and "tan".