Friday, May 11, 2012

Return to Sender

I have a friend who is in jail that I have sent a few letters to. The first of which was a Christmas card. I tried to get it to him a few weeks before the holiday and, at that point, I was still receiving tons of mail for the people who lived in the apartment before me. Anytime mail was actually addressed to me was exciting (even bills). Unless, of course, it was the Christmas card that I had sent my friend in jail with a big "Return to Sender" on it. He had already been moved by the time my card showed up for him. Here is how that scene went:

I get home and grab the 6 cards out of my mailbox and start flipping through them:
Card from San Francisco addressed to previous family
Card from Austin addressed to previous family
Postcard from London addressed to previous family (WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE!?)
Card from Michigan addressed to previous family (WHY WON'T THEY FORWARD THEIR ^&*^% MAIL!?)
Card from New York addressed to previous family
Card not addressed to previous family- pause- look closer- I recognize that hand writing- DAMN IT- my Christmas card

So my USPS haul that day was 5 personal cards to previous family and 1 returned Christmas card that I sent to my friend in jail.

I took time picking out that card. It was tough. There was this great card that had Rudolph sitting in a recliner sipping on some coffee and behind him, along the wall, were mounted deer heads. When you opened the card it said "They used to laugh and call him names." I got a good chuckle out of it (bastard reindeer) and then decided to go with a lamer, less violence implying card. When I called my good friend and told her about my card selection- she let me know that she had sent our friend the Rudolph card. DAMN IT.

I decided to go big or go home with my second card selection. I would like to point out that Hallmark does not have a "Best of luck in jail" section with cards like "If you drop the soap, just leave it" or "I was going to get you a cake for your birthday, but instead I just made you this shiv" so picking out a card is kind of a tough task. But I found a good one the second time around. I didn't take a picture of the card, but this sums it up:

If this card wasn't a winner, then one doesn't exist. WHO IS THIS CARD FOR ANYWAY!? Friends in rehab? People in AA? Is the liquor thinking of you? Are you thinking of them while you are drunk? Are you thinking of the liquor and then had to send someone a card? If this is what Hallmark is putting out these days, I think I need to look at their job openings, because I could definitely come up with some good ones. Here are some examples that I have already thought of:

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