Wednesday, August 3, 2011

Category: Things I Eat With a Spoon

Some things in life are too good to enjoy as intended. There are a few delicious items that make me forego a knife, fork, or suggested "serving size." Who makes up these serving sizes anyway? THREE AND A HALF servings for basically anything you buy in an airport store? Who do they think I am? A freaking hobbit? Surely that 3 is there by mistake... it only felt like there was .5 servings of goodness in that bag of gummies.

I digress.

Before I even get into the food that makes me go weak in the knees, let me reveal a little quirk of mine. I HATE big spoons. HATE them. They are just unnatural. They feel weird in my mouth and hold too much. I just don't need that many cheerios at one time. I don't want that much soup in one bite. During my freshman year in college, I would stand in the cafeteria and pull spoon after spoon until I found a teaspoon. Even now, I would rather hand wash a teaspoon (and I don't hand wash anything) rather than use a big stupid clown spoon. Unless of course, it is while I consume the following items.

Get ready peanut butter.... here I come!
  • Peanut butter. I am seriously considering naming my first child George Washington Carver (regardless of the gender) to pay my respects to the man that invented the heavenly bliss that is peanut butter. Often times, I intend to eat it with an apple, but then find myself two bites into the apple when I just turn all of my attention to the peanut butter. One of my favorite tricks when I am a few drinks in is to roll a big spoon full of peanut butter in a bag of chocolate chips. This is a move that I am always impressed with at the time, but then question later when I go to make a recipe that requires a whole bag of chocolate chips (without dried peanut butter flecks in them). 
Screw you apple! I lurve peanut butter!!!

  • Caesar salad dressing. Thank god for the Romans for inventing this concoction. Wait, it wasn't invented by the Romans? Then why do they call it Caesar? That's plain wrong. Nonetheless, there has to be some sort of voodoo mixed into its creamy deliciousness. It's probably unicorn horns. The grocery store near me sells their Caesar salad dressing in bulk- it is there right next to the "Betta Chedda" dip (which my dad loves, but I don't really like... so I am not sure how it is Betta than anything). I sometimes find that salad needlessly limits the amount of dressing I can consume, so here I will opt for a big spoon to get the job done.
  • Chocolate syrup. If I am only given one option of the type of chocolate syrup- I will take it, regardless of the brand. But if given an option, I will always opt for Magic Shell. That shit is heart stopping, spine tingling, speech halting, universe shaking good. They really nailed it when they decided to name it Magic Shell. Actually, they probably should have just dropped the "Shell" part. Another one of my favorite tricks involving spoons and food is to fill a big spoon up with some Magic Shell and stick it in the freezer. Most of the time I get too impatient for it to freeze completely, but I am never disappointed with the results. If I have the urge to eat it as designed (over ice cream), I go with the ratio of three parts Magic Shell to one part ice cream. 
  • Soft cheese. Crackers should be ashamed of themselves for insinuating that they are the perfect accompaniment for cheese. As I mentioned in my blog, I do have a soft spot (no pun intended- get it- cause eating a lot of cheese can give you quite a few soft spots AND soft cheese is the only cheese you can eat with a spoon) for goat cheese (especially with some balsamic vinaigrette.... mmmmm mmmm). When I am at a function with other people, and have to behave like I am a part of society, I will dip a stupid cracker into the cheese. But at home, if the urge strikes, I'll go at that cheese with a big shiny spoon.

1 comment:

  1. 1. I agree with you/laughed out loud on every single thing you've said except maybe Caesar salad dressing. The slight hint of anchovy is a deal breaker.

    2. I ESPECIALLY agree with you on the big spoon. Yoni and I fight about this all the time. He hates little spoons. I don't understand! Your food is gone more quickly with a big spoon! Tragedy!

    3. Last night I made a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup s'more and also smeared peanut butter on the graham cracker. Can I be George Washington Carver's godmother?