Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Crap My Mom Says, Part Dos

One time Anne, Dan's sister (get all of your rhyme jokes out now), came over to our house for something. My mom was the only one there at that point. As Anne let herself into my house, my mom, who was hanging out on my couch, was caught off guard.
Mom: Who's there!?
Anne: Just me, sorry- I am just coming over for a little bit.
Mom: Oh- yeah- that's fine. I just don't have any pants on.
*Remains on couch watching TV.*

While my coworker was on her honeymoon, I volunteered to "pet sit" her leopard spotted gecko, Karl. My mom was in town on a night that I had to go feed Karl, and I convinced her to come with me. I threw his mealworms into his terrarium and excitedly stood there, waiting for him to come do his lizard thing and sneak up on them all slow like and then WHAM eat an unsuspecting worm.
Mom: What are you doing? You fed him, let's go.
Me: Wait a few minutes. Don't you want to see him eat one? It's awesome.
A few minutes seconds pass.
Karl does nothing.
Mom: This is the dumbest pet I have ever seen. Let's go.
Me: Come on, wait a few more moments.
Mom: No, I have so much better shit I could be doing.
Me: Like what?
Mom: ANYTHING other than watching some stupid lizard. Let's go.
Me (defeated): Alright... Bye Karl...

During a family trip to the beach, my parents and I went to eat at McGuire's- the best Irish restaurant in the Redneck Riviera! One of my many talents includes being able to find the biggest, sweetest, most potent drink on any menu and our trip to McGuire's allowed me to show off my skill by ordering an "Irish Wake" (please see below).

My parents must be so proud of me. No, seriously- they must be because
they are the ones who took the picture.

Needless to say, after one Irish Wake, I was feeling pretty good and I ordered one "to go." I put it in the console in the front seat on the way home and planned on finishing it at the condo. Well, my eyes were much bigger than my liver that night and I barely made it a few sips into my second drink. The next morning, I sadly poured out my bad decision only to find a hair clip in the bottom of the jar. And I am talking a serious hair clip.
Me: Gags audibly.
Parents: What?
Me: What the fuck!? Look at what was in my drink. That is disgusting! Do you think that the waitress did that!? I am disgusted. Why would anyone put that in someones drink!?
Parents walk over to the sink.
Mom: Ohhhh- that's where my clip went. I took it off in the car last night and put it down but then couldn't find it. I guess I put it in your drink.
*Picks it up and fixes her hair.*


  1. While snorkeling yesterday I came across a ringlike treasure. I know how unappetized I was when I realized it was a hair tie, so I can only imagine how bad it was to have that in your Irish Wake.