Two animals you NEED to know about

Last summer my family took a trip to the beach. My mom went in early on Friday and my Dad and I met her out there later that night. It got dark before we got there and we took a road in that skirted the coast. The only lights on the road were our car lights and the reflection of the moon in the ocean- I know this all sounds romantic, but it was me and my dad, and we had just inhaled a huge quantity of Taco Bell and were now suffering the consequences. Anyway, sand crabs kept running across the road and through our headlights. I laughed and told my Dad that we were lucky they weren't those crabs that could pop your tires.

"What are you talking about?" he asked.

"You know- those huge crabs that can do damage to your car."

"No I have no idea." (Or maybe his response was "You just made that story up, there ain't no girl crab like that.")

When we got to the condo, I immediately pulled out my ipad and started doing some research. My parents and I were hanging out on the balcony, watching a storm come in, when I finally found what I had been looking for- the coconut crab. These are huge crabs that live on islands in the Pacific and eat fruit (hence 'coconut' crab) and dead animals. They also like shiny things (that is the only thing I have in common with them) and have been known to steal pots and pans out of people's windows (ok, well make that two things I have in common with them). Once I found all of this out, I immediately added "Places where coconut crabs live" to my list of "Places I NEVER want to go." My dad, however, said they were awesome and he would like to meet one and just tap it on its head.

I apologize in advance, but I am going to include a picture of one. You can call me in the middle of the night if you wake up in a cold sweat from this.

Does this give you goose bumps? I think I would opt to never
take out the trash again (which really wouldn't be very different from
what I do now).

After we finished googling "coconut crabs," my dad told me about pistol shrimp. This animal is not nearly as disgusting as a the coconut crab and certainly lives up to its bad ass name. These little guys are kind of like normal shrimp, but have one big ass claw. They can snap this claw to produce a bubble that zooms out and reaches temperatures of over 8000 degrees F, and a pressure level of over 200 decibels (whatever the hell that means). They sneak up on their prey and shoot a big ass bubble at them, and stun the shit out of them and then eat them. Now, that is pretty bad ass.

I was giddy with my new knowledge and couldn't wait to start incorporating the idea of these two animals into my everyday life. When I got back to work, I immediately told everyone about the coconut crab and the pistol shrimp (which comes with its own sound effects: peow peow).

A few weeks after we went to the beach, a new cat made its way into my parents life. As often happens, he adopted them, and after feeding him (and swearing that they wouldn't keep him), they named him and took him in. He was young and was not neutered. One day, while I was home, my mom was bitching about having to take him to the vet to have him "fixed," or in my mom's terms "have his nuts chopped off." I suggested that she just find a pistol shrimp and let it take care of the job. We could hold Rastus in place, lift his tail up, and 'peow peow,' he would be fixed. My mom said no.

Now that I have introduced you to two of the most amazing creatures ever, you should spread the crustacean love even further. Tell your friends about pistol shrimp and tell people you dislike (especially little children) about coconut crabs. You can thank me later.